Daniel von Bargen is an actor known for such roles as Chief Grady in “Super Troopers” and Mr. Kruger in “Seinfeld,” however after today he may be be known for his tragic call to 911. Bargen attempted suicide by shooting himself in the temple on Monday morning (I would think a former police chief would have better aim). The shot was not fatal (but did remove the mole on his face) and he was able to call 911 from his apartment in Cincinnati. The call to emergency services is absolutely bizarre, it begins with, “I’ve shot myself in the head … and I need help.” He then informs the 911 operator of some more troubling news, “I’m alone and I just sh*t in my pants.” The operator aks a very insensitive question, “Do you know your sister’s phone number off the top of your head?” “Off the top of his head?” The top of his head is splattered about the room and you shouldn’t be marking puns at the expense of this poor man.

The reason he attempted to kill himself was that he was to go to the hospital today to have some toes chopped off. He later reveals that he has already had one leg amputated.

Von Bargen was transported to a nearby hospital where he is currently in critical condition.

You can listen to the unbelievable 911 call here.

C’mon Chief Grady, you if anyone should know that “desperation is a stinky cologne.”