Impossible. im-pos-si-ble. adj. 1. Not capable of existing or happening. 2. Having little likelihood of happening or being accomplished. 3. Believing that Tom Cruise is a heterosexual.

Jesus. Not another god damn Mission Impossible (MI) movie. As I’m sure you all know, Mission Impossible 4, Ghost Protocol, will be released in December. To state the obvious, when something has already been successfully accomplished not once, not twice, but thrice – and is about to happen for a fourth time – is it really all that “impossible” in the first place? It’s more like Mission Totally Doable; or, Mission Even Corky Could Do It.

Also, where the hell does Tom Cruise get the balls to release this during the Christmas season?! Movies of this ilk should be slated for summer. They are popcorn movies that are big on explosions and completely devoid of plot or character development. (See: anything ever directed by Michael Bay.) As everyone knows, the post-Thanksgiving release usually indicates that a movie is good and warrants consideration from the Academy Awards. MI4 will probably make Gigli seem like Casablanca.

The thing is, I actually liked the first MI movie. People only ever seem to remember Tom Cruise hanging from the ceiling in the sound-proof room, but it was actually a very entertaining movie. Being morons, the masses thought it was too confusing. But all it was really about was trying to prevent the list of America’s spies – with their real names and contact info along with their code names – from falling into enemy hands. Did the movie require a dump truck’s level of suspension of disbelief? Sure. But it was nonetheless entertaining. Besides, the ceiling-dangling scene didn’t require all that much disbelief, as I could readily imagine a naked Mr. Cruise dangling from a harness over his bed where John Travolta and other men of Scientology would take turns beating the Thetans outta him like a pinata. (Why did writing that just give me ¾ wood?)

MI2 was OK, but not as good as the first. Apparently they felt they made the first one too confusing and complicated and had to dumb this one down. Mission Accomplished. There was loose plot about a megalomaniac releasing a deadly virus, but it was really just a vehicle for gadgets, chases, and special effects. Other than the opening scene with Cruise rock climbing, it was fairly forgettable.

MI 3 was decent, but mostly because it had academy award winner Philip Seymour Hoffman in it. But you know what I DO remember about all three movies? That the mission was accomplished. Each time.

So now here comes a fourth movie.

Hey, Tom. Want a mission that’s really impossible? Convince me that your marriages to Mimi Rodgers, Nicole Kidman, and Katie Holmes weren’t/aren’t total shams and that you actually enjoy vagina. Tom feels the need. The need for (a man’s) seed.