I recently became a father. But don’t congratulate me — because the only thing you’d be “congratulating” is the fact that I was too drunk to pull out in time. Now I’m “blessed” with a little “miracle.” Somebody shoot me.

And it’s not the sleepless nights and sludge-filled diapers that have reduced me to this lowly level. Nope. They suck, but they are tolerable. So why does Adrian dream of spontaneous combustion, you ask? Because of awful kids’ TV shows. And the main culprit – the fingernails on the chalkboard – are “The Wonder Pets.”

For those who aren’t familiar with the Wonder Pets, they are three animals (guinea pig, turtle, and a duckling) who go around saving other animals in distress. They wear capes with a big “W” and sing songs about teamwork. (“What’s gonna work? Teamwork!”) They live in a classroom; thus, they are “pets.” Here’s how every episode goes down: after school is over and the kids all leave, a pencil holder rattles around like a phone; the three animals become aware of the phone ringing and sing a song that aptly goes “The phone! The phone is ringing. The phone! We’ll be right there…”; then, just as Clark Kent used to duck into a phone booth to don his duds and become Superman, the wonder pets get dressed in their capes; they then pick up the phone to see what problem the animal is having and go save it. (It is the distressed animals themselves who make the phone calls.)

The use a “flyboat” made from classroom objects to travel far and wide. Some of the animals they’ve saved include: a puppy who was stuck in a jukebox; a tiger with a thorn in its paw; and bullfrog who was too old and immobile to hop on down to the ol’ swimming hole to be with his grandkids; and a baby camel lost in the desert who needed to find the oasis. (“What’s an oasis?” “An oasis is the most pleasant of places. There’s water, plants, and a tree there. The camel wants to be there.”) After they save the animal, they celebrate by eating celery. “This calls for some celery!” they declare.

Linny is the guinea pig. She is the undisputed leader of the bunch and clearly the most educated. She’s also a young bull dyke in training and it’s easy to envision her future: flannel shirts, Indigo Girls concerts, and employment driving the big rigs. She lays the smack down when the other two aren’t getting the job done, which is every episode.

Tuck is the turtle. He wears a French sailor cap and aqua socks. Don’t waste time asking why a turtle would need aqua socks as that is the least of his problems. Tuck’s specialty is giving hugs. No. Seriously. He’s the “heart” of the group and often comforts the animal in trouble while Linny and Ming Ming devise a plan. (And by “comfort” I mean he performs fellatio on them.) Nothing makes Tuck happier than chugging cock.

And that brings us to Ming Ming. Ming Ming is an overconfident duckling who often thinks she can save the distressed animal all by herself. In every episode she forgets about the benefits of teamwork and tries to rescue the animal without Tuck and Linny. She fails miserably and makes numerous references to her “bum,” which she often falls on. She also has a Cindy Brady-esque lisp and when she utters in every episode that “this is serious!” it comes out as “this is see-wious!” Ming Ming will no doubt spend her adult years cracked out and turning tricks in Compton while lisping away that Sally sells seashells down by the seashore.

I hate this show, but it keeps my daughter quiet. My wife and I refer to the stroller and baby car seat as “flyboats” and we have caught each other (and ourselves) singing these songs by ourselves. An episode is ALWAYS on in our house, and we even bought a portable DVD player for the car so our daughter can watch while we drive. Your only concern as a parent is to shut your brats up for 5 friggin minutes so you gladly plop them down to watch this shit. Anything for some peace and quiet. As Bill Cosby once said about settling a sibling dispute, “Parents are not interested in justice. We want QUIET!” Amen, Dr. Huxtable. Amen.

BTW My daughter is going as Ming Ming for Halloween.