There are only five people I would leave my wife for: (1) Jessica Alba; (2) Megan Fox; (3) Troy Aikman; (4) Allison Harvard (from America’s Next Top Model); and (5) Jenelle Evans.

If you don’t know who Jenelle is, she is the total train wreck on Teen Mom 2. Make no mistake: every person on the MTV show is a total disaster. But Jenelle is the Hindenburg…plus 9/11…plus Chernobyl. To say she is “unrefined” is an insult to crude oil.

And I love her.

Whereas none of the girls on Teen Mom 2 are qualified to raise a child, they at least make an effort. Kinda. (It truly does take a village — as friends and family usually do most of the childrearing.) Jenelle is such a disaster, however, that she doesn’t even have custody of her child. In probably the only semi-decent decision of her life, Jenelle signed over temporary custody of her son, Jace, to her mom, Barbara. Now, look, Barbara is no prize herself. In fact, she’s an unmitigated disaster. She is an overbearing harpy who screeches like a banshee. (And a real looker to boot!) It’s no wonder Jenelle turned out as poorly as she did. With a mother like Barbara, you’d think Jenelle would do everything in her power to get her act together and move out. In fact, Barbara has actually kicked her out of her house at least once. But, look, as grating and unbearable as Barbara is, she is 100% right about every complaint she throws Jenelle’s way! I mean, my God, all the woman really wants is for Jenelle to stop dicking around, stop getting in trouble, stop smoking weed in her house, stop dating a complete loser (Kiefer), and to take care of her son.

There are gerbils who eat their own young with more maternal instinct than Jenelle.

Like many of the girls on Teen Mom 1 and 2, Jenelle had a baby way too young and then expected everyone to do all the work while she went out and partied. To their credit, some of them do actually try to finish high school (or at least get a GED) and/or get a job. But then there’s Jenelle. Here’s how she spent her summer: she got into a car accident; got caught on camera getting into a fight with another girl and had the video go viral; got busted for drug possession; and later failed a court-ordered drug test while on probation for possession. Oh, and she continued to date Kiefer.

How she’s managed to stay off the pole is anyone’s guess.

The new season of Teen Mom 2 is scheduled to start on Tuesday December 6th. And judging from the trailer, the season looks amazing. And by “amazing” I mean cataclysmically awful for Jenelle. She is seen (once again) getting thrown out of her house; getting into yet another physical confrontation with Barbara; getting shoved into a car by Kiefer; and screaming a primal scream where I half expected to her yell “Freedom!” ala Mel “I Hate Jews” Gibson in Braveheart.

And let me be clear about this: I will fight Kiefer to the death to win Jenelle’s hand. I can’t explain. I guess I just like damaged goods.

Jenelle would benefit from parenting lessons…from Casey Anthony.

Final thought…I think it’s a bit disingenuous to have a show about teen pregnancy and only focus on white girls, as if minorities don’t dominate this category. But don’t worry, I’m currently pitching MTV a show about Puerto Ricans girls called Teen Grandmother.