The people who come up with porn titles are doing the Lord’s work. They are the real heroes. Not doctors. Not the police or firefighters. Not the military. Their puns and whimsical word plays are nothing short of Shakespearean, and they deserve to be placed high atop a pedestal and held in the highest esteem – for they are the best of what mankind has to offer society.
Although I would never consider myself worthy of entering their stratosphere of awesomeness, I decided to take a stab at their admirable profession and come up with some porn titles of my own and their corresponding taglines. These are all based on movies, not TV shows or current events. (My only criteria was that they had to be well-known movies.) I have no idea if any of these have actually been made, but if not, hopefully one day they will be.
10. “A Cock Whore Homage” (“A Clockwork Orange”)
They tried to make her good, but the only thing she’s good at is being bad! Young Alexandra undergoes a medical experiment which results in her unquenchable thirst to chug cock!
9. “Will He Bonk Ya in the Chocolate Factory?” (“Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”)
In a word: yes. Yes he will! Watch Willy fill Veruca Salt’s fudge with a “secret” cream!
8. “Hole Minor’s Daughter” (“Coal Miner’s Daughter”)
Mine for coal in Loretta’s hole! Just try not to get a “nugget” on your helmet!
7. “Lord of the Cock Rings: The Two Tai Whores” (“Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers”)
Hobbit Douche Baggins is on a magical quest to save the world. But he’ll need the help of two bukakki-loving beauties!
6. “Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Matt and Tim” (“Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan”)
Jason has two passions: hockey and cock! See what happens when country bumpkin Jason leaves the small town of Crystal Lake and ventures into the big city. And we mean BIG city!
5. “Jews” (“Jaws”)
A Long Island beach community is terrorized by yentas with an insatiable hunger for young cock! “You’re gonna need a bigger butt!”
4. “Klaus Encounters With Her Behind” (“Close Encounters of the Third Kind”)
Klaus teaches our galactic neighbors a thing or two about backdoor adventures! Nothing says “welcome to Earth” like German dungeon porn!
3. “I’mma Do Ass” (“Amadeus”)
The only thing Mozart likes more than music is pushing poop-chutes to their limit!
2. “Rape-rs of the Lost Arse” (“Raiders of the Lost Ark”)
Indiana Jones may hate snakes, but watch him use his “anaconda” to perform an archaeological dig deep in Marion’s ass. Will he find the buried treasure before the Nazis cum?
And my personal favorite…
1. “Glad He Ate Her” (“Gladiator”)
“Muscle” Crowe slays men and beast by day…and vaginas by night!
